I worry too much over everything. Other people have bigger, more significant problems, and there's a lot of bad things happening in the world. And yet I'm stressing out and losing sleep over stupid, selfish things. I keep thinking so and so hate me to a degree that heavily affects my interaction with those people - i.e. I stop interacting with those people entirely. My instincts are pretty good though, so the people I think dislike me usually do dislike me. It's usually pretty easy to spot the people who don't like me anyway. They usually are the ones who are being mean to me :)
So I've been gradually trying to be around people again. At first things went well. I've discovered that kindness exists. I've found my true friends, the ones who have picked me up from where I fell.
Then I started getting overambitious and pushed myself too hard at meeting folks that I knew might make me feel shaky and uneasy.
Just when I thought I'm starting to feel better, it turns out I can't just turn back to how things were before.
I do want to be around people again, that's the whole point; but any potential of conflict makes me very distressed, and makes me question myself. It makes me think I must be the one who's wrong, I must be a horrible, nasty person.

Meeting people makes me think weird.

I talk about myself too much. I talk about bad things that happened to myself too much. I keep saying the same things over and over in conversations. I'm bad at conversations. I can't talk to people. I deprecate myself too much. I see compliments as sarcastic lies. The usual sequence of events goes like this: I show someone my drawings, then they say it's decent, then I say no, it's terrible. They then think I want them to stroke my ego. And if I think my own drawings are terrible, why show them to people in the first place? There must be a bit of pride in the drawings, right? And most of the time I end up having to show someone my drawings as a result of us talking about what our hobbies/interests are - but still, that's no excuse. If I really do hate my own art, why do I still show it only to say it's terrible? If we were talking about hobbies and I say mine is art, and you say show me your art, and I hate my art, I wouldn't show it to you. So deep down there must be a hint of pride right? But there isn't. I abhor my drawings. And yet I put them up online and show people. Why do I put them up? I hate my art, so I don't think it's to get praise, but I do enjoy being able to meet new people through drawing meet-ups, so maybe I'm into art just so I don't feel lonely? How pathetic, using art as a vehicle to escape from being alone. But that's not entirely true; I only draw with people for ~5% of the time spent drawing. I do like receiving constructive crit and tips, and being taught how to fix bits of my drawings though, it makes me happy when people are helping me be less crap at something. But for people who don't draw, why do I show it to them? They'll just say it's decent, and that distresses me.
Nearly everyone wants to be of some worth (sometimes I don't mind anymore being worthless). And thinking that they're worth something usually comes in the way of being good at stuff or having naturally "good" assets. Other people who might not feel so happy with themselves might try to get good at something just so they can feel as if they're a somebody. When you start associating your skill with your self esteem, it's dangerous. You assess your self worth via that skill. You hang on to it as if it's the only thing that makes you a somebody. On the other hand, there are people who have skills and feeling of self worth as seperate things. They might be bad at everything they do, but think they're god (which is cool. It's better than being good at everything, THEN think they're god as a result). Skill is easily measured. People usually think self worth has parameters (I don't think it has), and that they are usually skills, looks, wealth, intelligence, kindness, etc. But again, I don't think it's good to associate any of those with self worth. That being said, why am I trying so hard to not be so bad at art if it's not to make myself feel good? (Frankly, I think I try to improve at art solely just to pass time.) Am I trying to improve at art just so that I can like myself? No, because I'm not actually getting better at anything at all, but I do feel a bit good about trying to improve. Which is pathetic. Feeling good about myself over just simply trying to be better? No wonder I suck.
Then there are some people who yearn for external approvals for their "worth". Not seeking external approvals is probably a better way to live than seeking external approvals. But I don't seek external approvals because compliments sound like lies mocking me and they make me want to cry. That's why I don't self deprecate to get outside approval/praise/etc. - I self deprecate because it's a compulsive thing. It's an unhealthy habit. Self deprecation is disgusting. Seeking external approval is especially true for a lot of people who don't like themselves much. They don't approve of themselves, so they try to get other people to tell them that they're decent, and only then will they feel good about themselves. It may be healthier for them to realize that they don't need anyone else besides themselves to acknowledge their worth. Or better yet, ask themselves if it is absolutely necessary to acknowledge their worth. Would it matter if nobody else but you love your work? No. So why should it matter if you love your work or not?
I keep going on about "worth" and what's "better". It's all bullcrap, it really doesn't matter if I'm not good. The moral is: it's ok to the crap. But being crap feels bad.
Why do I have a blog?

A visit to Mandurah

I went to Mandurah on the 8th of June, so yeah, this post was meant to be posted last month but it just kept getting postponed.

Lifedrawing

It sure has been a heck of a long time since I last went to a lifedrawing session. The model had this awesome hair that's long at the front, and very short at the back.

 

update

My final year project dissertation has been finished. It was pretty much making a pokedex using RFID. So, now that the project's done and over with, there's heaps of time to work on drawing and painting.

An admittedly half-arsed sketch from a photo of David Tennant in Much Ado About Nothing.